Slut Walk

Slut walk is coming up, and I’m going.

I wasn’t going to post about this, especially because I keep this blog low political.  So why am I posting about it? Because of this post by Scar, a Transwoman whose point of view I respect. My dearest friend the amazing Mojo Mathers, first directed me to Scar’s blog, and specifically the post about slut walk. I understand Scar’s point of view, respect it  and even possibly would have felt that way years ago.

There is the constant fear of appropriation of “womanliness” but I ignore that because I’m a woman. I don’t think anymore along the lines of “I shouldn’t do xyz thing because people will accuse me of appropriating womanliness”. Because that lets them put me in a third box, in the “other” box, when I am in fact a woman. Don’t like it? I don’t care.

But the main reason I’m going to slut walk and why I think all transwoman should is simple.

I have never been called a slut, not because people think I’m pure and virginal, no I have never been called a slut be cause people assume I am a slut. Society (especailly the men) seem to have placed transwomen into this odd “sex toy” category. This is above and beyond your average objectifying of women. This is outright assumption that as a transwoman I am always looking to have sex, and with anyone. Including random men walking up to me and asking me to suck their cock in the nearest alley way. Including men not understanding that I am married because they “need” me. If I say no more than three times then 25 dollars will change my answer.

You see in a society where your average person’s only encounter with transwomen is pornography, transwoman are nothing more than breathing blow up dolls. there not to have feelings or desires or thoughts, but there for you to fuck and run. Once your done with them you can go back to your mates and exclaim about how “shemales are gross freaks”.

So I’ll be marching in Slut Walk, because I am a woman, I won’t let anyone deny that, and I am in control of my sexuality.

Sorry it has taken so long.

Sorry it has taken so long.

This post is for a dear friend and family member that left our household in September. It’s taken me a long time to be okay enough to write this post.

In early August my husband and my pet rabbit started to get very sick, she was wheezing, at first we thought she had a chest cold so she went on antibiotics, those didn’t work and we tried more antibiotics. When those didn’t work we had X-Rays done. The X-Rays show fluid in her lungs and upon further checking it turn out she had slight heart failure that was causing the fluid build up. So she went on a diuretic and heart medication.

Unfortunately those medicines did not work either and she was having a hard time breathing and thus wasn’t eating and was dropping weight. We had to have her put down which was the hardest and most painful thing I have ever done in my life. Even now three months later my throat constricts and tears develop in my eyes.

She was more than a rabbit, she was a sister, a friend, a child, and a mentor. She taught me to relax and have fun when I was stressed out. She could be the sweetest most loving adorable creature you have ever seen and the next second be a complete brat. I know that she loved my husband and I, just as much a we loved her. I wish she could have gone out feeling less panicked and stressed, but there is little I can do about that. I feel so lucky to have had her in my life, and so happy she had me in hers. I know she’s over the rainbow bridge now harassing a few saints, possibly telling G-d how to run things. If you all of a sudden notice cabbage and carrots start becoming weeds it’s cause she got her way.

Charlie’s Angel you were the best friend I could ever ask for.

Living with depression

I like to think that one of the things you all like about this blog (when it’s being written in that is) is that I have always been open and frank with you. I have talked about my dark days and rough times.

I have been sick since the 20th of March, not your normal cold or flu but something that just drains ALL of my energy. I also get headaches and general aches and pains. There have been times when I can barely move with the pain, or times when it keeps me up at night. This has been dreadful, and degrading, I spend 5 out of 7 days barely able to move and the others I’m playing frantic catch-up. This is extremely rare occurrence for me because I usually have a very naturally high immune system, very rarely get sick and when I do it’s for a mater of days compared to other peoples weeks.

This only makes my depression worse no matter what medications I’m on, It makes me feel useless and pathetic, and like I’m incapable of doing the simplest things. Unfortunately this is a cycle the sicker I get the more I get depressed. I have to just get up and say NO I’m not pathetic, or useless just because I’m sick, everyone gets sick.

I just hope I get better… soon.

For Wendy I stitch

For Wendy I stitch

I met Wendy through the Wellington Embroiderer’s Guild, we joined at the same time. We talked often at the meetings and at the monthly social stitch-ins. Looking at us besides embroidery people might not have seen a lot in common, but I think at times we felt that we had more in common than others. We were both part of a group that at times could be cold and stand-offish  especially if you didn’t fit into their rigid mold. We didn’t fit.

Wendy was not only and amazing embroiderer, but and outspoken activist for people who have mental illnesses something we both struggle with. I had read many articles about her speaking out, and we had several conversations about the work that needs to be done.

Wendy had an amazing eye for colour and a unique style that so very often reminded me of Mexican day of the dead celebrations. Wendy was celebrating life instead. I remember when and how I found out Wendy was sick, it was from her. She had told me she had cancer and was dying with maybe a year to live. She then went back to stitching her piece like she had just told me it was raining and that’s all.

Yesterday Wendy lost her battle with cancer at 4pm.

I wish that  I could have told Wendy how much I admired her strength and courage. How much I loved her wall hangings. how much the brooch that she gave me for my birthday meant to me. How much her style of embroidery and the things she made pushed my boundaries and inspired me.

I kept meaning to go see Wendy, take her some flowers, talk to her, be there. I let my life get in the way, and I regret that, I know though that Wendy wouldn’t want me to sit here and beat myself up. She would want me to sit down and try something new stitch something different and enjoy life.

So today, Wendy, I stitch for you!

The Post That Should Have Been Written Two Months Ago!!!

Wow I have been BUSY! let’s see what has happened since I last posted here, well I got married and went on a fabulous honeymoon(I have pictures somehwere!!!) I’ve been knitting a lot… and oh yeah I started a yarn dyeing business Grrrl Shaped Yarns overall life has been good to me.

It’s weird looking back now it seems like so much has been happening i don’t know where to begin or what I should talk about, maybe I’ve gotten a bit rusty as blogger, I feel rusty.

I can’t believe it’s 2010, 10 years since I was in high school come thus June,  8 years since I transitioned come this July, 2.5 years since I moved to New Zealand to live with my husband. I still remember the feeling of being unsure of where I was going, getting lost often, and in general being confused about my surroundings.  Wellington is so big that there are still parts of it I have never seen and parts that confuse me, unlike the relatively small San Francisco I used to live in.  Still doesn’t feel like home, and I still miss San Francisco at times, but things will change. A New year, a new decade, it seems like just last year we were all panicking about Y2K, or in shock over 9-11. It’s amazing looking back at how much I have changed in these past 10 years.

One thing that new years always bring along with them are resolutions, I haven’t made any resolutions so much as a few goals. and in the effort to help me stick to them I guess I shall share them with you.

1. become a bit more fit and healthy(if this helps me lose weight than so be it)

2. Expand my business to the best of my potential

3. Finish at least 12 items this year(after realizing last year I completed one super simple scarf and shawl and that’s it ALL year)

That’s it just a few simple goals, nothing to earth shattering. I like to think I’m doing good I’m eating healthier and participating in the Couch 2 5k challenge even though i am a bit stuck right now… I’m plotting and scheming business plans. I have finished one item already this year that’s my wedding shawl( yes it was 3.5 months late what you wanna make of it?)

In general I think life is good, and although I am busy it’s a good busy I’m enjoying it! I have so many plans for the next year I hope some of them pan out. and with those thoughts I would like at say, I’m thinking of starting an online crafting magazine, if you are at all interested in submitting a project  or article or review please let me know via email Zine AT brooklynnemichelle DOT com

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